Seit einiger Zeit wache ich mitten in der Nacht auf und das Gedankenkarussell fängt prompt an sich zu drehen. Erst ganz langsam, dann schneller und schneller und schneller, bis es sich fast überschlägt. Das liegt zum einen daran, dass ich in den letzten Monaten sehr viele Baustellen geöffnet oder andere geschlossen habe und alle Eindrücke verarbeitet werden wollen, und zum anderen daran, dass ich mir sehr viele Dinge auf die Schultern lade, die eigentlich gar nicht mich direkt betreffen und mich eigentlich auch gar nix angehen. Einige Menschen die mir sehr nahe stehen haben gelernt, dass sie all ihre Sorgen und ihren Müll ungefragt bei mir abladen können, und ich mich um deren Entsorgung kümmere. Wie, ist ihnen vollkommen egal. Was mich daran besonders trifft, wirklich keiner von ihnen fragt, wie ich das mache. Oder was das mit mir macht. Ganz im Gegenteil, es gibt eher noch was auf den Deckel, wenn ich nicht wirklich bei deren Sache bin…!
Es heißt:
AUFGEPASST: ICH UND MEINE PROBLEME KOMMEN, FANG SIE AUF! LOS, LOS – ICH BIN DANN MAL WIEDER WEG!
Sie werfen ihren Balast ab, schütteln sich und gehen wieder. Gesagt, losgeworden, abgeworfen. Ohne Rücksicht auf Verluste. Darauf habe ich keine Lust mehr.
Und ich frage mich derzeit oftmals, was passiert eigentlich mit der Seelenschlacke, die sich am Boden meines Gemüts festgesetzt hat? Was machen die Gedankenfetzen mit mir, die Nachts um mein Bett kreisen und sich nicht fassen lassen? Wabernd hängen sie in der Luft und lassen mir keine Ruhe, bis ich vor Erschöpfung schließlich wieder einnicke.
Natürlich habe ich einige liebe Menschen um mich herum, die sich auch meinen Seelenmüll anhören. Geduldig und immer wieder. Sie fragen und tragen mich, wenn es mir nicht gutgeht und dafür bin ich ihnen sehr, sehr dankbar. Ohne das Ohr meines Mannes wäre ich wirklich aufgeschmissen. Und ohne die vielen Gespräche mit meinen Freundinnen natürlich ebenfalls. Doch es gibt auch noch andere Menschen, die ich schon gar nicht mehr anspreche, wenn der Schuh irgendwie drückt, denn ich wüßte genau, dass ich mir im Zuge dessen sofort anhören müßte, wie schlecht es ihnen geht und was ich ihnen mit meiner Last jetzt antue. Es ist für sie ein „Battle“. Eine Schlacht um die schlechteste Position im Universum des Unerträglichen. Diese Personen haben immer alles viel schlimmer, größer, grausamer und furchtbarer und das erzählen sie immerfort und ungefragt…sie leiden und sie zerbrechen, wenn…wenn was? Was auch immer…kennt ihr das?
Ich denke schon.
Wenn man sich in den sozialen Netzwerken rumtreibt, trifft man über kurz oder lang auf sehr heftige und tragische Schicksale. Mutige Frauen und Männer kämpfen gegen Widrigkeiten des Lebens oder schlimme Krankheiten. Einige erfolgreich – andere leider nicht. Erschüttert nimmt man Anteil an den Irrungen und Wirrungen, die beschrieben werden. Sieht Fotos von traurigen Augen und zerbrochenen Träumen und möchte am liebsten durch das Netz kriechen, um die vertraute und doch völlig fremde Person in die Arme zu schließen. Einerseits trösten einige durch manch warme Worte, die dort niedergeschrieben werden. Man versucht sich über den Umstand hinwegzutrösten, dass es der besagten Person furchbar schlecht geht, und andererseits trösten wir uns auch über unsere eigenen Probleme hinweg, betäuben den eigenen Schmerz durch den soeben gesehenen Schmerz und lassen unsere Sorgen klein und nichtig aussehen. Zumindest für einen klitzekleinen Augenblick ist man nicht allein.
Oft ertappe ich mich dabei, dass ich mir über den Tag Gedanken um Menschen mache, die mich gar nicht kennen. Nie kennenlernen werden. Ich nehme Anteil an Dingen, die mich nicht betreffen und kenne Details aus Leben, die meines niemals berühren werden. Klar berühren mich die geschriebenen Worte und die Bilder, die sie begleiten, doch ich weiß insgeheim ganz genau, ich kann nichts tun was der betreffenden Person irgendwie helfen könnte. Oder doch?
Was ist Mitgefühl? Wo fängt es an, wo hört es auf? Ab wann wird es zu einer Passion? Lenkt man nur von seinen eigenen Baustellen ab, die sich dann doch ihren Weg in der Nacht in unser Bewußtsein bahnen und laut schreien:
Hier sind wir, kümmere Dich um uns!
Nein, es geht mir nicht schlecht. Ganz im Gegenteil, denn ich habe vor einiger Zeit gelernt, auch NEIN zu sagen. Das ist unendlich schwer und ich muß zugeben, dass es nicht immer ohne schlechtes Gewissen funktioniert. Denn schließlich sind es oft Situationen, die eigentlich sehr nahe an mir dran sind und mein unmittelbares Umfeld betreffen, die ich nicht mehr an mich ranlassen möchte, weil sie mir schaden. Sie tun mir einfach nicht gut. Und ich habe schmerzhaft gelernt, dass ich gar nichts, nein wirklich überhaupt nichts an ihnen ändern kann, konnte und könnte, auch wenn ich es wollte. PUNKT. Deshalb distanziere ich mich von diesen Dingen. Ich werde kühl und verschließe die Türen, die einst offenstanden. Sie sind zu und die Schlüssel habe ich weggeworfen.
Aber wie funktioniert das? Und funktioniert das auch wirklich gut? Denn am nächtlichen Karussell sieht man ja, dass da einiges noch im Argen liegt.
Nun, zunächst einmal versuche ich zu unterscheiden, was für mich wirklich wichtig ist und was nicht. Ich helfe gern, sehr gern sogar. Aber nur noch dort, wo ich helfen kann und wo mein Rat auch wirklich willkommen ist. Eine lange Liste an Vorwürfen und Beschimpfungen tue ich mir einfach nicht mehr an. Nicht, wenn meine Schulter kurz vorher noch zum Ausweinen willkommen war.
Ich versuche meine eigenen Probleme von den Problemchen zu trennen. Denn manch riesengroßer Klotz ist bei genauerer Betrachtung nur noch ein Kieselsteinchen, das im Schuh drückt. Dieses Steinchen ist zwar lästig, aber man muss es eigentlich nur noch mit wenig Aufwand aus der Sohle entfernen, und schon läuft es wieder wie geschmiert.
Die Probleme und Sorgen die wirklich drücken, löse ich mit Bedacht und ich überlege mir mittlerweile sehr genau, wem ich sie erzähle. Denn guter Rat ist teuer. Und für Ratschläge muß man offen und bereit sein. Bereit etwas und auch manchmal sich selbst zu ändern.
Denn merke:
wer jemanden ändern möchte, sollte sich unbedingt vor Augen halten, wie schwer es ist eigene Gewohnheiten zu ändern!
Ihr wisst, was ich meine, stimmt`s? Also erst vor der eigenen Türe kehren, bevor man woanders aufräumt. Das gelingt mir immer besser und es war ein weiter Weg bis hierhin, das könnt Ihr mir glauben.
Warum ich das hier und heute schreibe? Nun, mein Gedankenkarussell dreht sich, mein Kopfkino spielt immer den selben Film in der Nachtvorstellung und ich scheuche all die Gespenster immer wieder fort. Doch trotzdem gibt es einige Baustellen, die sich nicht schließen lassen wollen. Schon seit Jahren nicht und wohl nie mehr. Und während ich das hier aufschreibe, merke ich, wie manch heißer Stein auf meiner Seele bereits erkaltet ist und zu Staub zerfällt. Ich möchte aufräumen. In mir drinnen, denn Schutt und Müll machen auf Dauer müde und krank. Schließlich kommt der Frühling. Er macht alles neu. Das läßt er bereits mancherorts erkennen und die Erkenntnis ist ja bekanntlich der erste Schritt in die richtige Richtung. Und vielleicht drehen sich Eure Gedanken ja auch…hoffentlich nicht zu arg…dann machen Euch meine Gedanken vielleicht Mut und zeigen Euch – Ihr seid nicht allein!
Passt auf Euch auf und seid umarmt.
Eure Stephanie
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